Self-healing completely changed my life

Waking up spiritually I was made aware of the fact that I am an infinite soul experiencing a temporarily human experience here on earth. For the first time ever I started to feel at ease and at home in my own body.I also became aware of my destructive patterns and how I was living life from a constant state of fear. Moving through it in self-destructive behaviors on auto pilot as a result of my unprocessed childhood trauma.

I also learned that I could heal my childhood trauma by allowing myself to feel the pain. So I started to let myself feel what wanted to be felt. I was dealing with the painful realization that I had been living life from a constant state of fight or flight. It got really heavy at times but it gave me so much space and clarity. I felt like I was opening up and truly experiencing life for the very first time. Waking up spiritually was like standing truly still and really becoming aware of life itself.

I started to follow my intuition and all the clear guidance that I received on a daily basis. I went to Thailand to do my yoga teacher training and for the first time truly became aware of how much impact my childhood trauma had on my life. That resulted in a period of no contact with my parents because I needed time to grief and make space for my anger to be felt.

I came back to the Netherlands and wanted nothing to do with my previous surroundings because I was determined to follow my path and still under the impression that my parents were the cause of all my problems. I did a lot of healing work in Thailand and the Netherlands and started to look much healthier than I used to. I was shining and I felt so incredibly good. I got into a period of solitude and really learned how to take good care of myself.

I stopped people pleasing, which was another coping I developed during childhood to keep the peace, and was putting myself first for the very first time. I did not feel at home anymore arriving back in the Netherlands and decided to go all in and sell my home to travel, resume my healing journey and to start my own business guiding others to do the same. I felt a strong calling and so I followed the signs and my intuition which was becoming stronger by the day.

When I arrived in Bali my system completely broke open, all that was never felt before came flooding to the surface. I had a trauma expert guiding me through it in online sessions but to be honest sometimes it felt absolutely terrifying and overwhelming all alone in a foreign country. But I knew that I was on the right path and I surrendered myself as much as I could to everything that was unfolding.

I had spend all of my money on my travels and on my own healing journey but when I decided to come back home to the Netherlands I did not at all feel better. If anything I felt worse. Little did I know that by opening up my system and doing the healing work ancestral trauma was trying to move through my body. I felt scared, overwhelmed by crazy sensations and completely alone because I had no support system in the Netherlands.

After a few sleepless nights praying to god to please guide me through this I had no other option than to fully surrender and call my parents. I had no idea what was happening within and did not have the capacity to deal with all that I was feeling on my own. This was a lot for me and my parents both but it really healed our relationship. They were doing their best in any way they could. It helped me to see them as human beings trying with their own limits and not always able to give exactly what I needed. They were here now and that was all that mattered.

Back at my parents I tried to surrender to the heavy sensations that I was feeling within but it got super heavy and no one knew how to deal with the immense amount of grief I was experiencing. It turned out that all the trauma from my families lineage tried to make its way through my body. I wasn’t just feeling my own pain I was feeling the pain that my ancestors never got to feel before. I was still unaware of what was actually happening and fell into a deep depression. I refused to use anti depressants because I knew that there was light at the end of the dark tunnel but I lacked the tools to allow myself to safely move through the intensity of my feelings.

After months of trying to surrender to the pain without feeling better I started to lose hope. I started using oxazepam again because I was crying all day and night and was not able to sleep anymore. It was a temporary resort to stay sane during an immensely dark period. It only made it worse. By suppressing the feelings during the night during the day the emotional outbursts got even heavier. I felt exhausted and scared, tried to get myself hospitalized and was advised to use oxazepam during the day whenever I felt overwhelmed.

Luckily at the right time the right people came onto my path who had been through similar experiences. They guided me through the experience and taught me how to find safety within my body while letting all the trauma move through it. All I needed was someone to understand what I was going through and now I had found them, they made me feel safe, truly seen and understood.

During this guidance I was made aware of the painful realization that many of my spiritual practices were another set of coping mechanisms to not have to feel and deal with the real work: simply sitting with and feeling the deep pain that my ancestors and I were not able to feel before. All past trauma that travelled through generations was now ready to be felt by me. The more I could let the waves of grief pass through me the more I started to feel lighter and stronger. I was not afraid to feel the sensations rushing through me anymore. I was learning to feel all the waves no matter how intense that were still from time to time washing over me.

I was finally able to feel the darkness and was made aware of the fact that life moves in cycles. In the end what I needed to learn was the ability to hold myself through any given storm. The waves were getting less heavy and frequent and I started to feel more grounded and stronger as a human being. I became the embodiment of someone that had faced her trauma and now had all the tools to safely guide others through theirs.

Looking back it all made sense, I was always meant to break the cycle of generational trauma within my family. Life was just handing me the painful yet necessary circumstances and people to open my wounds so that I could alchemize them back to the light.

I had lost everything, my home, my finances, people that I loved, everything. I had lost it all but in the process I found myself. I truly did, I found my inner wisdom, my innate power to alchemize the darkness back to the light. I found my purpose, I found immense joy in living life to the fullest of my potential. So even though I lost it all and had to rebuild myself from scratch I have never felt more alive and full of joy than I do right now. To top all of that off I now get to help others move through their darkness and that is the most beautiful gift life has ever given me.

I found my purpose & now i’d love to help you find yours.

With so much freaking love,

Sanne